Everyone has at least one person that they’re envious of. They have the job you want, the cellulite resistant bum, the hair that doesn’t go frizzy or a lack of bodily hair that needs constant waxing. You know, important stuff like that.
Envy is a terrible emotion because it really serves no purpose apart from reducing your self-esteem down to the size of Prince in a pair ballet flats. But the thing that makes me laugh is that there are probably lots of people that are envious of YOU! Don’t scoff, it’s true.
The person whose bum looks like it was sculpted out of titanium might be envious that you have so much junk in your trunk you could have an impromptu garage sale.
Not that you’d ever know this because we never admit what we’re envious of. That is until we’re in the club getting tipsy. Then you can’t shut us up about it. We end up swaying in front of mirror watched by a bemused toilet attendant holding out a towel and a chuppa chup. We go through each others body like a checklist, I love your skin you never get pimples, look at the size of my pores they’re like fucking overnight bags. But look at your tits, they’re amazing, mine look they belong to Old Mother Hubbard. And on and on we go.
Although you might not always remember what was said it’s pretty fascinating to see what people really think of your body compared to their own and generally I think most of us our a lot hotter than we think.
If we lived in a world where everyone was an alcoholic or the Thames water supply was treated with ecstasy we would compliment each other all the time and as a result our self-esteem would probably be higher. I better start writing to Boris with that suggestion…
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